Yesterday I quit my thesis. I am so discouraged with failing every. single. writing. goal that I have ever made for myself in the past 6 years – at least writing goals pertaining to my thesis. I am so sick of sitting here for hours on end staring at a blinking curser, barely making progress. I am so tired of putting the rest of my life and the beginning of my career ‘on hold’ for the sake of this protracted master’s thesis, which I began in 2009.
When I made the announcement and slammed the door as I went out for a long run, my mother googled: ‘how to support someone writing a thesis’ and sent me numerous links to articles written by other people enslaved to their thesis. Ha. Moms. The authors wrote things like:
You are not alone.
Nothing I am feeling is unique to my situation. Almost every academic has felt anxiety over their projects, and many people before me have felt the urge to quit. It is perfectly normal to hate my dissertation at some point, and to feel hopeless. It doesn’t make my frustration any less real, but it does acknowledge that the feelings are normal, and that they will pass. (source)
I recently came across a collection of quotes from the diary of John Steinbeck that he kept while writing The Grapes of Wrath. I found it really encouraging to read the frustration of such a great writer as he berated himself for not being more productive.
If John Steinbeck experienced doubts, fears, and unproductive days, then I suppose I am allowed to as well.
I am doing significantly better than I was at the time of my last post in January. My mental state has improved even though my thesis writing continues to be sluggish.
It is a rather strange time of my life. I am very much in hibernation. I rarely leave the house, except to go for a run. Running continues to be a potent cure for my stress and frustration – even throughout the wretched winter we have had here. I’m suitably outfitted with winter running gear, including metal spikes that are strapped on to my sneakers. Continue reading →
Look at that. I never posted once in 2014. Shameful!
Well seeing as it is the time for making goals and resolutions… maybe I will be more active on here in 2015. We’ll see.
In brief, by August 2014 I had finished my professional master’s degree in Toronto. I wrote my big licensing exam shortly afterward and then moved on to tackle my other very protracted master’s degree in social anthropology, which I started in 2009.
I love being alone. I never want to get married or have kids. Is that weird? I would consider a long-term partnership… if we could live in separate houses.
Polyamory fascinates me. Similarly to the author Sirenita Lake, monogamy and contract relationships repel me. I recently met someone who does poly well. Whether I decide to adopt that label or not, my encounter with him helped to validate what I am currently feeling and the way I perceive relationships. That might change of course. Maybe in a few months I’ll decide I want to build a life with one committed partner. At the moment though, I think polyamory best represents where I am at in life.
I really like being alone. As I said in my last post, I am a classic introvert. I draw my energy from being alone, rather than from being around other people. The internet these days is awash with introvert support and buzzfeed pages about introverts. The Western world (North American Culture) upholds an extroverted ideal. In response, the introvert “movement” has been quite assertive in pointing out the advantages to not meeting this norm. In response to this, introverts have been accused of elitism… which I admit is somewhat true and can be found in many of the posts on introvertism. However, I appreciate this proliferation of introvert-related social media. It does make me feel more comfortable with being me. Continue reading →
I am currently lying in my fur-lined hammock on my balcony in Toronto. It is 7:30 pm. My neighbor is using his outdoor fireplace and the nostalgic smell of wood smoke is drifting up toward me. It is warm, for October. 17 degrees Celsius. The sun has set and my balcony is lit by multi-colored lanterns. I’m listening to a relaxing 8 tracks music mix and a soft breeze is gently rustling the curtains that line my balcony. I’m thankful.
I got two teeth extracted on Thursday (including one wisdom tooth). I was petrified. I think it tapped into the deep well of emotion and trauma that I have repressed, related to my dad’s recent health journey. I was more terrified of the general anesthetic, than the actual extraction process. I even left a will on my bed when I left my apartment in case I didn’t wake up. I cried as they hooked me up to a heart monitor and inserted the IV. Then I grew sleepy. 45 minutes later I woke up. I survived! I’m thankful. Continue reading →
It seems low on the priority list these days… In January I moved home to save money and also to support my siblings and take responsibility for household maintenance while my mom takes care of, and advocates for, my father who has now been in the hospital for 8 months now. I feel quite disorientated sometimes. There are the day-to-day tasks of cooking supper and cleaning. My Dad’s situation is still quite serious and his periods of relative physical stability seem few and far between the many crises. I try to get in to see him as regularly as I can, but I have accepted that now that I have moved home I am supporting my family in another way. Before moving home I used to go into the hospital for at least an hour every day; now it is about once or twice a week that I go in to see my Dad otherwise I find I stretch myself too thin. Staying at home with my siblings means that mom can be at the hospital all day and all evening after supper. Continue reading →
Manhattanhenge – sometimes referred to as the Manhattan Solstice – is a semiannual occurrence in which the setting sun aligns with the east–west streets of the main street grid in the borough of Manhattan in New York City. The term is derived from Stonehenge, at which the sun aligns with the stones on the solstices. – wikipedia
Last year I wrote about Stonehenge and Newgrange. This year I thought I would highlight the modern equivalent – ‘Manhattanhenge’.
I don’t have much energy or inspiration to write much tonight. Last year I promised myself that I would work on building my own traditions for the winter solstice. Perhaps next year I will plan more of a ritual or celebration. Continue reading →
This afternoon I watched The Way, about a man who unexpectedly decides to walk the Camino de Santiago in Spain, a 800 km pilgrimage also known as The Way of Saint James.
I have heard about it more and more over the last few years. I have had several Facebook friends make the pilgrimage recently and I perused their photos from the journey… I am intrigued. Once primarily a pilgrimage for Catholics, now a wide variety of people walk the trail for a diversity of reasons. I’m sure – as with the many middle-aged women who flooded into Bali after Eat, Pray, Love became a huge bestselling book and popular movie – the Camino will attract even more visitors due to the release of this mainstream film. That sort of detracts from my desire to walk it myself… but only a little. It’s still on the bucket list. Continue reading →
It has been a while, no? It has been a busy-fun summer. Iceland was fantastic, so was trip #2 through Montreal down to Toronto. Amazing really. Now the fun is over for a while. Back to my job and thesis-writing. Head down. Concentrate. Be productive. yes. yes.
Currently I am watching the rain come down in buckets while I contemplate that I am in fact, mortal. Meaning, “subject to death; having a transitory life”.
Someone recently posted on facebook: “how weird will it be to have teenage children who can see hundreds of photos of you online, going back to your own teenage years?”
Indeed. That is a weird thought. I joined facebook at the end of 2006. I was 20 years old. Now I am 25. Will facebook still be popular when (if) I have children? Maybe not… technology is quickly replaced (ex. google+). However, facebook definitely has affected the way I experience life and time.
Usually maybe a few times a year I might have pulled out old photo albums to revisit the past. Now with facebook documenting every moment of my life and the lives of my friends, I feel like I am always looking at photo albums, continually watching the present becoming the past. In a few seconds I can go back 5 years and find pics of my friends just fresh out of their teens. Now their accounts hold wedding albums and albums documenting their growing pregnant bellies.
I like the video below. Kind of depressing, but nicely crafted and produced. It illustrates what I am talking about.